shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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