Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
