I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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