Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
