Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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