I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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