hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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