woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
