Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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