Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
