last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
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I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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