im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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