My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize