Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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