i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
