How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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