She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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