somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
