I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
