who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
