he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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