Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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