Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
