Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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