can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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