Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fuck appropriateness.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
