How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
