i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
