he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
