If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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