Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
