Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
