I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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