i barfeds in our rink
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
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I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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