I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
