Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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