Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
