I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
