we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
