My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
