Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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