If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
