I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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