my phone needs a breathalizer
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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