Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
