# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
