All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.