grandma shit on top of the toilet
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..