if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed