Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
