i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
