We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
