He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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