And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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